| this will be my last entry |
[30 Dec 2004|05:15pm] |
I don't feel the need to post these anymore. Reading other people's livejournals make me sad. This was a very long entry but i deleted it all in favor of just these last few thoughts.
I think often times people make mistakes and they are very sorry for them. I know I am very sorry for everything i have done. Sometimes it's hard to handle love at such a young age. We pride ourselves on being mature, but we have been anything but. Sometimes people make promises and due to time, they forget them, or simply don't care that they made them. I have not made such a promise. All of mine are forever intact. I do not believe anyone has made such a promise to me either. I believe that all promises made to me will be upheld. Sometimes doing the loner thing is necessary for growth. I understand that. I believe I am understanding a lot more lately. I believe I have been growing. I feel good about it, but sad too. Like I've lost some of that dreamy innocence that I possess. I guess we'll just see what happens. However, if we keep those promises we make to each other, we already know what will happen don't we. I suppose that is the thought that will keep me going.
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[24 Dec 2004|10:30am] |
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the worst christmas in 4 years.
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| and then afterwards.... |
[02 Dec 2004|04:23pm] |
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So, i've really stopped going to class. When i do go i'm usually half drunk so i can DEAL. i barely sleep most nights because of these fucking nightmares. i don't know how i'm going to handle grad school if they even fucking let me go. life has become a haze of laying around my apartment, watching movies, sipping whiskey, petting poe's head. I have a spanish exam tonight, and i haven't gone to the last 2 class periods. I am going to fail. I am unhappy about this, but can not seem to find the motivation to do anything about it. maybe to solve the problem i just won't fucking go. my apartment is a mess. i won't clean. i am in serious consideration about writing another chapter though.
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[27 Nov 2004|08:39pm] |
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It's saturday night. I'm at home. I'm angry about a lot of things, most of which i don't even know about, but still infuriated. This is lame. I am lame. Poe bit my head last night. Thanksgiving sucked. I hate seeing my parents. I guess I'll watch movies until I fall asleep. Then I'll wake up and work tomorrow morning.
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[22 Nov 2004|12:25pm] |
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I'm at the library. I just finished my paper on the history of pornography in the late 70's and 80's. It's totally Boogienights style and although I mostly wrote the paper from my own knowledge (i only have one outside source) it will do for my idiot professor. I have to work tonight which is okay i guess. I'm thinking of picking up a shift on wednesday so i can pick up a bit of extra cashy washy. But i doubt it. I have two meetings with professors today. So i guess I'd better run over to PH and let them know what the fuck is up. I have to finish up my Western APP this week and send that bitch out. I wonder what Justin is doing for Thanksgiving...
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[17 Nov 2004|12:17pm] |
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I have a TON of homework to do. But I have not found myself in the mood to do it. So I just kind of sit around and watch movies. Perhaps after my class today... Perhaps not. I have nothing more to say. I'm feeling really lazy today. My shower isn't giving me hot water. Poe scratched my leg. The right time, the right place, right now. turn around. Today i ate a houseplant... tomorrow i may eat another...
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[11 Nov 2004|11:24am] |
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Ok. I haven't been actually going to class per se. More like, considering it, then not going. I have struck a realization that this is not the way to get A's. I will therefore resume my class-goings. Especially Spanish. Which I suck at hardcore. But last night I had a major problem with a movie I watched DOGVILLE. Holy shit, what a fucking downer. I didn't think I could HANDLE class after seeing that son of a bitch. Brilliant film. But what a fucking shot to the gut. I will stop talking about it now before I get upset again.
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[10 Nov 2004|06:22pm] |
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A word of warning. Do not watch DOGVILLE if you are feeling at all sad. In fact, only watch it at your most happiest, otherwise you will undoubtable suicide. I am almost there...
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| all too easy... |
[05 Nov 2004|01:10pm] |
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So, I guess I'm beginning to feel better. Kind of. Whenever I go outside I start feeling lightheaded and sicky, I think maybe it has something to do with the drastic temp. change. I am applying to the University of Michigan Fine Arts program this week. I've got everything in order, I just have to print out my stuff and send it in. It's nice to know that I'm finally getting my shit done. However, I still have to apply to Western, and North Carolina State and wherever the hell else i am thinking about going. I really hope i can get into western or U of M though. I would really not like to go out of state. I guess now i have time to focus on class work, however, I don't want to. I need a break, even if it's just for a week or so. I've been going non-stop for over a year. On the plus side, the Star Wars Episode III trailer was just released last night and it got me all jonesin' for the final film. I guess that is all.
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| I guess I don't update much because my life is fucking boring. |
[26 Oct 2004|10:52am] |
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So, I've finished my first draft of my medieval paper. It turned out to be shit. I am taking the GRE tomorrow, (for those who do not know, it's the exam to get into graduate school). I've taken numerous practice tests and failed every fucking one of them, so i am not so much looking forward to this piece of shit (and since it costs $140 to take I've only got one shot). Next week i will be asking certain profs for letters of recommendation for the grad schools i will be applying to. I don't want to do this, although i doubt it will happen, what if one of them says no. I'll feel like a dick. Besides, I'm really nervous right now about grad school. I don't think I'll be able to get in. And I recently realized, that if i don't get into to u of m, or western, or wherever (those are my best shots) I am fucking screwed. I have no back up plan. I have nowhere to live next year because I'm not taking out another fucking loan. I'm just freaked out. Oh well I guess, I can only do my best. At least I've got goals and ambitions. I could still be living at home with my parents, working at Farmer Jack, making just enough to get drunk on weekends and 'live life'. A Michigan Winter is coming along slowly because I'm so busy. My edits of Joyous Youth are really really helping it I think. I have nothing more to say.
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[14 Oct 2004|08:50pm] |
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Working on my medieval paper. It's slow coming now. Trying to put all my information together. I'm actually kind of bored tonight. Poe bit my face earlier and i didn't even blow air on him. He just did it. It made me kind of sad, maybe he doesn't love me anymore. He won't talk to me about it. I've been watching movies like mad lately. In the past week i have seen : The Godfather trilogy (which was brilliant), Goodfellas (which was sweet), Man Bites Dog (which was funny), True Lies (which was arnold's last good movie), Hell Boy (which was surprisingly not bad), and The Woman from Shanghai (which was great). I also have rented Rebel Without a Cause and Wallstreet which i haven't watched yet, but probably will tonight. I want to work on my novel but i'm finding it difficult to sit down and get started. That's how it is, it's hard to start but once i do i'm there for hours. I think i'm going to clean my dishes and make myself eggys. a bit lonely too.
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| Senior Don Gato |
[07 Oct 2004|11:23pm] |
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I am making serious progress on my medieval paper. Which is sweetness, jimmy eat world style. It's almost 11:30 on thursday night. I think I'm going to go through my graduate school stuff and pick out 3 schools to apply to. 2 in state and only one out of state. That will seriously cut down my work load and perhaps let me concentrate more on staying home, therefore, have a better chance of staying home. The question is where. Boston? North Carolina? New York? I'll figure it out. Went to lunch with seany and leslie today. 'twas fun. Poe has been a demon lately. He's been all biting and clawing. It must be the panther in him.
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[05 Oct 2004|09:26pm] |
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It's like, tuesday i think. It's 9:30ish. I have got nothing planned. I was gonna call Eric and see whatthefuck is up with him, but instead i'm going to read next to my shower. Maybe try to get some fucking stuff accomplished. another draft of my personal statement perhaps. Maybe even drafting my personal statements for the rest of the colleges i'm applying to. I have begun to skip classes which is not very good. I actually went to my writing class today, looked inside, thought about it (barely), and fucking bailed. I have to stay on track. I think it's just cause i've been kinda sad lately and skipping classes makes me feel better on some strange level. But it's self-destructive and must end. Therefore, from now on i shall go to every class. Thank you and goodnight.
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[02 Oct 2004|09:40pm] |
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It's saturday night. I'm at the library after working all day. I've been doing research on... my medieval paper. I've finished another draft of my personal statement. I've read a paper for my senior seminar. It's about 940. I have nothing more to do, so i guess i'll go home and play with Mr. Poe.
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[30 Sep 2004|09:38pm] |
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My back has been hurting since i began to go to the gym. But i have rippeling pecks, so it's a decent trade off. I've got a break in big school projects for about a week so i'm going to get a chance to work on my medieval paper which i am hoping will be brilliant. It's freezing in my apartment. I must cuddle with Poe so we can conserve our body heat. I bought Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and have been keeping it on repeat for the past few days because it's fucking insane BRILLIANT. I'm going to go read medieval literature while laying next to my shower. fuck. Poe is getting into something...
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[23 Sep 2004|12:04am] |
fucking bullshit day. Sad. I don't have anything to say about that.
I wrote some today. I finished a chapter. I'm behind on my homework. I haven't started my second draft of my statement of purpose. Today I, lost my girlfriend (again)(fuck you)(not fuck you girlfriend, fuck you everyone else who is laughing at me), I haven't begun my medieval lit paper,(but i did steal a brilliant idea from my professor), i haven't begun my autobiographical essay, I haven't begun my t.v. news project for telecom and film, and i skipped spanish today even though i don't fucking know it. You may be wondering what i have done. I am too. The people next door are having sex i think.
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[17 Sep 2004|12:29am] |
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I feel in a strange mood as of recent. I am torn by the past and enchanted by the future. There are places that I will probably have to go. I will probably be forced to leave michigan to pursue my studies. I hope this is not the case, but it may be a necessity. I hate to say it, it's embarassing to admit, but i'm actually quite lonely tonight. I saw spider-man 2 and that was great, but i just, i feel like i'm missing something. I can't write tonight either, i'm too tired to focus and if i can't do that then there's simply no point. I'm actually in the mood to do some good reading, but all the books i own are already read, and i generally don't like short stories. Perhaps i would just like some company.
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[14 Sep 2004|09:43pm] |
I go to school. I go to work. I do homework. I research graduate programs. I knew it was going to be like this. I just feel like hating everything tonight. Maybe because I'm lonely. I fucking hate my creative writing prof. She gave me a check minus on my fucking paper. A check MINUS! do you want to know why? Because i didn't have a title! She NEVER said we had to have one! But instead of just saying, hey write a title on the top. She gives me a check MINUS. I feel like einstein in algebra 1. I don't mean to sound arrogant, truly i don't. I just feel like a dick being lectured by that idiot. I'm embarassed to admit that i even got a poor mark because of something so trite. I did start to work out though, mostly because waking up in the morning and seeing my decrepid body in the mirror was just one more thing depressing me.
I apologize for this. I normally do not like bitchy people, and try as hard as possible not to be one. Sometimes i slip.
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[08 Sep 2004|09:46am] |
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this will be a pretty lame update. I sit around in my apartment most times. I have been getting out more lately, going out with friends, trying to stay busy. I hate my spanish class but i droped acting so i won't have to deal with that anymore. Fucking graduate schools are so hard to get into. I mean, i haven't tried yet, but i've heard. i'm going to definitely apply to u of m and western for the masters of fine arts programs in creative writing. Those are the only instate programs that are worth applying to. Therefore i should find 3 others possibly out of state that i may apply to. Probably somewhere in new york where they give me a fellowship, or possibly boston, i don't know why but boston has always sounded like a cool place to go.
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[01 Sep 2004|09:10pm] |
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First day of class was today. I'm pretty sure i have a blister on my toe from walking so much. I don't really like the three classes i had today. I especially don't like spanish, not because it's uninteresting, it's just a 5 credit class so there's gonna be A LOT of work to it. Afterwards i wanted to go curl up on a couch that's not mine, in an apartment that's not mine, with an ugly dog that's definitely not mine. I'm starting to really feel the pangs of loneliness. This sucks. but i did finish another chapter today.
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